Maybe it's the way my preschooler came tearing down the dirt road
on the beautiful sunny day
screaming her head off
Mommy don't go teach classes
Or the way I felt tired, not energized, when the 30 women in spandex eyed me walking in late
with a huge belly
and flurry of questions from my boss on my blackberry
with wary, critical eyes: Will I make them work enough today? Will I make them work too much? Or just the right amount? Or am I just too darn pregnant?
At least, that's what I ask myself. I might be manifesting hostility - it's possible - or I might be too sensitive to it - it's possible - but I feel it everywhere, even where it doesn't exist, like my poor sweet husband. And where it does exist.
And there is the fact, on top of that, that my belly IS big, and our little son is growing, growing, turning and pushing, and even though it will never be so easy again to go teach classes, even though I despair at the specter of two children dissolving into endless tantrums as they race after me when I leave to teach classes, I wonder if it isn't time
for a break from teaching.
Of course I get so much from it. Tomorrow I'm presenting to 53 of our company's clients and facilitating a panel on culture. The next day I'm presenting to our entire company - 1800 people. Neither would be so easy, so fun and so free if I didn't teach workout classes every week. I wouldn't have
the poise
the presence
the humor
I wouldn't have the ability to perceive the love
of a crowd
I would only have the fear
that I started with
In fact, I believe I created this way of life for some reason, to share and be shared
to revel in leading and in being led
to learn to say what I mean
to hunt for collective meaning
But I'm tired. I don't know what will help. Maybe getting some projects done or seeing my parents or taking a break from my beautiful, tantruming preschooler to have a date with my beautiful, loving husband.
I wouldn't mind having a few days in which people didn't stare at my belly, but then again I do keep getting up in front of people.
Will not teaching help? Will personal training help? Sometimes taking a train adventure with my preschooler helps energize, but there's always the possibility of a tantrum. Sometimes being with a girlfriend helps, but there's the exhaustion of having to converse. I'm not depressed, even though I sound it, but I am, at the start of my third trimester, low on energy. Low to deal with my colleague's negativity, as I tried to tell him today apologetically when I embarrassed him in a meeting. Low to deal with my yoga teacher's incredulity - YES I can do chattaranga at 6 months pregnant - and it feels **wonderful.** Low to deal with tantrums, low to deal with boss's questions. Low to car trouble, low to taxes, low to teach.
Just a little low.