Circumstances

I knew my upstairs neighbor was expecting a visitor from his past. I could tell because he had placed a mannequin on his front porch, put his own bright orange jacket on it, and twisted strands of Christmas lights tightly around its neck until it looked both like a threat and a desperate cry for help. I paused on my way inside, looked up there, and wondered how we'll ever sell our condo. He feels like he's being strangled and tries to make it a statement about how quirky he is; I feel like I'm being strangled and try to look away, but can't no matter how hard I try.

For the millionth time this morning, after a night of bad dreams about scary neighbors, I asked my husband how we could move. Moving seriously limits us in the long term, considering our financial hopes and goals---and where we live now Is. Absolutely. Perfect. Except for one thing. The upstairs neighbors.

For a long time I have tried to quiet the sad mantra that wormed its way into my brain in childhood: Something always has to be wrong. This belief is crippling and unhealthy, and though many others believe it and repeat it, I've noticed that the people who don't believe it tend to be a lot happier. I want to be like those people.

Another trap of resignation: I also tell myself it could be worse. Sure, their dogs are too many, too loud, and far too aggressive. Yes, they care not for the common areas and leave poop in the backyard. Indeed, these people are home almost all the time and almost always loud---there are few moments when we don't know where they are in their condo or even what they are doing, if it involves talking or watching TV. Yes, they wake up the baby nearly every day. But couldn't it be worse? They go to sleep early, still feign caring about what we think. It could be worse. But still.

So we look at our options for the gazillionth time, but none of them feel good. What we want for right now is to stay here, grit our teeth through any hardships, and emerge in a couple years with a healthy nest egg. The problem is, I am tired of my teeth hurting.