The Narrowing and the Opening

During the last nine months, my world has been getting narrower in ways I didn't intend. I have NOT been working on my play with Geneva. I have NOT been learning FORZA from Sean. I have not been getting my certification to teach spinning. I have not been going out dancing with Kirsten. I have not been traveling out of the country with my husband. I have not been attending Misty Tripoli workshops. I have not been house-hunting. I have not been wearing boots and dresses.

On the face of it, none of these things needed to stop just because I'm pregnant. There's no reason on earth why I shouldn't be going to book readings with Toni. Or seeing bands with Blue. Or visiting New York to see the Catherine Opie retrospective at the Guggenheim. In fact, I've done more than I expected in some ways---this is the first week I'm not teaching fitness classes, for instance, and I am at full term as of tomorrow. Blue and I traveled all over New England and the mid-Atlantic states until I was seven months. We even rode our bikes together more than we did last summer, probably because I wasn't busy doing all those things listed in the first paragraph.

This is the point where someone pats me on the knee and says, "But you've been growing a BABY." I know, I know. I'm beyond happy and excited about it. I don't mean to imply that I feel deprived. Only that I have a very rich life, and by putting things on hold, by cutting down my focus to work and home only, I feel a little more insecure and clingy at work and home. And now I'm slowly cutting down my focus to home only. I am obsessing about work more than usual, thinking of details and personalities in the middle of the night. It would be nice to have some friends, art, or travel to obsess about instead, but my body just isn't into it right now. It's busy.

Also, I think I've been having contractions.