The Goat Who Needed Me

We were standing outside of the goat pen of Ward's Berry Farm when we saw her. A goat in late pregnancy is in a special predicament; carrying multiple mini-goats inside, and they have hooves(!). We always feel for these ladies. This one in particular looked at us longingly, maybe demandingly?

She angled her bony goat head between the slats in the fence. We offered her food, thinking she must be very hungry. Without eating, she kept sticking her head out until we began petting her. Scratched behind her ears, under the chin, rubbed her hard, flat forehead. She loved it! She just wanted petting. She was so pregnant and just needed some love. Not food, people, love!

That goat is me.

I have an active baby inside of me and somehow that fact negates all my ability to handle neediness in others. I don't need neediness...I just need love. I guess that makes me needy. In the past couple weeks I've gotten overlooked, forgotten, stood up, and ignored. It's not personal, but yet I feel it with a little extra veracity. A little lost at work, a little lost in general. I want my friends back, and I want it in a new way.

I don't really want to hang out and talk about problems. Sure, maybe it's over a nice lunch, but still. I want to be with someone in a fun way, an interesting way. I think being married actually counteracts this impulse, since a lot of fun things are "reserved" for doing with my partner: movies, fairs, walks. It's not because of him, but it's because of the structure of our lives, and suddenly it seems kind of wrong. It seems like it sets me up to be sitting somewhere, in a chair, in the car, or driving and on the phone, listening to some wonderful person present yet another problem in her life. Not really fun! I got my own little problem, and it's that another person keeps taking all my food and sleep. Of course, this person is a mere three pounds, and I'm very excited to be sharing all my food and sleep with the baby, but damn it, it makes me needy.

Maybe this is why people join book clubs. If only I could read books on demand!!